HOOTERS ROADTRIP (PSOne)

Platform: PSX
Genre: Racing
Publisher: Ubi Soft Entertainment
Developer: Ubi Soft Entertainment
Release Date: 5/1/2002

Hooters is a game in which you race cross-country from one Hooters eating establishment to the next, against opponents. Sound fun? Well, believe me when I say, it ain't. Its hard to know exactly where to start, there are just so many things wrong with this game. Well, lets get the 'hooters' thing out of the way to begin with and then move on to the finer points, like its infinitely lackluster visuals and built-in-a-Cambodian-refuge-sweatshop poor gameplay. Hooters, as you may or may not know is a restaurant with locations all over the country that is famous for serving up hulking hamburgers as served by scantily clad waitresses who, in turn, are famous for their hulking frontal exterior. For some reason Ubi Soft and Hooters teamed up to make a videogame that showcases these work-a-day waitresses and while including a primary objective that requires you to race around in various type of automobiles. Somehow it seems like the company execs created this game with the intentions of making a quick buck, and they may very well do just that since this game retails for a mere $10. In addition, since the game only carries a 'T' for Teen rating its likely that hordes of 13-16 year old horn-dogs will rush out and snatch this title up in hopes of procuring an alternative to their copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog. But even those poor chaps are out of luck since the extent of chick-action in the game is relegated to quick 2-second video clips between levels.

Racing is what Hooters Road Trip is all about (yeah right!) and, man oh man, you sure do some racing. Racing to hit the power button before you endure one more moment of game's tremendously shoddy gameplay dynamics that is - but, I kid I kid, seriously though this game is bad. Hooters offers 5 modes of play, the first is test drive mode in which you'll pick your car out of a list of 3 generic offerings and drive on an empty road with an occasional cow or two to grace the scenery aesthetics. In practice mode you choose your car, select whether you want traffic on or off, and take part in a race against opponents and like test drive mode you race to the end of the track. Although in practice mode, after reaching the end you'll be greeted with 3 hooters chicks that yell in unison 'Hooters Road Trip!". In road trip mode you'll compete in different races and depending on what place you finish you'll unlock different cars but it should be noted that if you tape the X button down and go call your sister (call her! She misses you) you'll more then likely always get first place in the race. Another mode in the game is license mode, in this mode you'll be able to unlock the cars you have already unlocked (read: cars you've acquired by competing in road trip mode) by completing a lap around a real-life boring country road within the specified time limit. The last mode is custom road trip in which you'll pick the locations you drive in, and believe me, for how boring that sounds, its twice as bad.

Simply tapping one direction for a split-second on the D-pad to maneuver your car around will throw your car increasingly out-of-control. Crashing into oncoming traffic will result in the race coming to a literal stop until the person that you smashed into backs up or you hit reverse to back up at a snails pace. Never have I seen a racing game that handles this poorly, every second of every race consists of attempting to simply control your car so as to move it in a straight line while your being thrown in every which direction for seemingly no reason at all. Hats off to the kid who developed the physics engine for this game, I hear he just graduated the 8th grade. Various stats that the game gives the cars are all but meaningless, one car might receive the highest speed rating but when you get on the road you'll notice that the car is dog slow. Collision detection in the game is sub-par; coming within a foot of an object will automatically make you crash into it. In one instance, I was magically thrown about 2 blocks back for literally no reason at all. The better the handling rating of the car the more sensitive it is to pushing left and right, the ultimate car according to this game would spin wildly out of control just from thinking about attempting to turn the wheel. The only entertaining facet of the game is the 2-second FMV clips of the well-endowed hooters girls

If your still reading this review, I'm sorry. But the good news is for the rest of the space I have I'll fill it with bleeding-edge news on cool upcoming PS2 games - again, I kid! Graphics look like antiquated dinosaur turd in digital format. Lackluster isn't the right word, but it's the first word that comes to mind. The cheesy acting by the hooters girls all but makes you blush, actors this bad haven't been seen in videogames since Night Trap for the Sega CD. Level design is horrible, background graphics are about as original as a local TV commercial. Expect a butt-load of trees, a fence, an occasional cow and traffic, the likes of which are cab drivers and truckers. If Gran Turismo came out on the Atari 2600 this is pretty much what it would look like

Music consists mainly of down-home, twangy guitar riffs and slow melodic beats that seem to not fit the game at all, there is a total of 7 different songs each uniquely named and each equally lame. In total there are about 2 sound effects in the game, there is a sound for acceleration and a sound for crashing, and that's about it.

So if all this sounds like your cup of tea then by all means, make haste to your favorite game store and do pick up Hooters Road Trip. If, on the other hand, you prefer fun games then you'll definitely want to blow your money on something more worthwhile, like a root canal.

Score: 3.8/10