Genre : Racing
Publisher: Ubisoft
Developer: Ratbag
Release Date: September 28, 2004

"Just a good ole' boy, never meani'n’ no harm, beats all you never saw, been in trouble wit' da law since the day they was borrrrn…" So began each and every episode of the immor(t)al 1970s series "The Dukes of Hazzard," and so begins the video game of the same name, now rolling out of Hazzard County and into your Playstation 2.

By now, we all probably know that Sean William Scott, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson have signed up to play Bo, Luke and (wiping drool off of chin) Daisy Duke. Ah, Daisy Duke, played by the then amazing-looking Catherine Bach ... a character so sensual, that the cut-off jeans she wore bore her name. Here’s the kicker, gang: they used a picture of her from 20 years ago on the box to help sell the game!

If you are under 25, dropped a lot of acid, or lived in a cave during the 70s, "The Dukes of Hazzard" was a top-rated television juggernaut. Basically think of "Hee Haw" with car chases, and Daisy. Can't forget Daisy. Luke and Bo were good ol' boys who were always running afoul of Boss Hogg and his gang, which included the local Sheriff and his bunch of idiots. What transpired was a lot of "YEE-HAW!"s, a lot of Chargers jumping ditches, and Daisy…

The car was really the star of the series. "The General Lee" was probably the most recognized car on television, along with the "Striped Tomato" from "Starsky and Hutch." This leads me to my first observation: The Dukes of Hazzard: Return of the General Lee looks, feels, and unfortunately drives like the bargain basement title Starsky and Hutch which came out a few months ago. At a price point of $19.95, an argument could be made for the S&H purchase, if only for the kitsch value. At $29.99, however, you’d have to be either a die-hard "Dukes" fan, or just not be very educated about driving games in general.

I just don’t get how a great company like Ubisoft can come out with a ground-breaking game like Far Cry, and then, in the same year, release this (and a few other) sub-standard games for our consumption. Not everyone can hit a hole in one every time at bat, but this is a horse race of a different color (I love mixed metaphors; sue me).

Let’s start from the very beginning. The game fades up with the familiar twang of Waylon Jennings belting out the theme, and we fade to the opening cutscene. Wait a sec, did I say "fade?" Oh I wish. My first complaint about this game is the interminable load times: too many, too long, and to make matters worse, over a blank screen with the word "loading" on it. Even my beloved wife, who is not a nitpicker when it comes to games, immediately said, "ANOTHER load screen?!"

The story then begins with the oldest melodrama in the book: The evil landlord (in this case Boss Hogg) is threatening to foreclose on the mortgage of an orphanage. Can you get any more hackneyed? C’mon people, this was the same plot as the old Cinemaware game based on "The Three Stooges!" [Note: Plot Spoilers Ahead]

To get the money, you must enter a stock car race and win enough money to help the orphans (and the hottie who runs the orphanage), but tragedy strikes! Hogg’s minions put decaf coffee in your fuel tank, so the General Lee sputters and dies out before the finish line, regardless of whether you win or lose the race. For the record, I lapped the field and still lost the race. This leads to a white trash GTA rip-off where, to get the dough, you have to run errands all over Hazzard County for Boss Hogg.

The hardest part of playing this game is navigating your way through the backroads and dirt roads of Hazzard County. The game claims a free-roaming, open-ended form of gameplay, but there really isn’t all that much to see and do around the county, and the mapping system is seriously lacking. The first time you go somewhere, turn signs are superimposed on the screen to guide you, but after that, you are on your own. There is no real mini-map to gauge your progress or direction, and when you pull up the full map, it obscures the screen but doesn’t pause the action. Perhaps this is a way to artificially tweak the difficulty level, because time and time again, I was hauling ass and burning rubber, only to find out I was miles away from where I thought I was supposed to be.

The errands, races and jobs that you undertake are all the standard "go from point A to point B, pick up something and bring to point C, while avoiding the Sheriff and his crew" stuff. All this would be fine if it weren’t for the game's physics model. I am no physicist, and even though I fix cars for a living, I am no expert in traction control, or skid physics, but in this game, spinouts are the norm, not the exception. From playing the GTA and NFS series, I consider myself somewhat of an expert on hand braking and taking 90 degree corners at 90 miles per hour, but in this game, you can’t sneeze to the left without ramming into something. The car consistently understeers and then, just as consistently, oversteers, leaving the player with an ongoing feeling of no control.

Then, in an obvious Driver spin, you need to follow Enos’ squad car close enough to follow, but not close enough to lose, then steal his car and deliver it to a spot without damage to it. Complicating this further is the fact that there is no proximity device other than your cousin’s commentary.

I at least got hopeful when I saw a "multiplayer" option on the main menu. It will be a hoot and a half to drive online with other braindead gamers, spinning out, jumping creeks and bridges, screaming "YEE-HAW!" over my headset mic, and generally wreaking havoc! Unfortunately, the only "multiplayer" games are split screen and straight out of every driving game you could imagine. You’ve already played all the variations, so I won’t bore you here. No online support is provided.

The game boasts voice talent by most of the original cast, and they are mostly here. What’s next? The Sims2: Brady Bunch Expansion? Grand Theft Auto: My Mother The Car? HALO3: Get Smart? The whole nostalgia thing was nostalgic a few years ago. That’s a sad state of affairs, folks. Are we so void of new material, or can we spread our creative wings a little more than this?

"Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it." Thus spoke the learned George Santayana. If we don’t leave old kitsch behind, we will recycle it and try to feed it to a new generation. Let it stop. Our children deserve better.

Wow. Pretty harsh words for a review of a silly video game, huh? I agree, but this game represents to me a lot that is wrong with the gaming industry today. In their obvious haste to put out a tie-in product for a current retro-trend (in this case it neatly coincides with the release of the DVD box sets of the original TV series), game companies churn out the same tired old stuff and hope that the public won’t notice. Well, we do.

On the positive side, friends of mine who watched the TV show tell me that the show was just as laughable, so perhaps it is merely a very faithful adaptation.

Score : 4.5/10